Update: May 11, 2025
DETRANSITIONING after 2 1/2 months HRT
HRT has wrecked me.... my energy levels are absolute zero.... I feel so exhausted that I have started to wonder if it was low iron (I am anemic....) but I read that spironolactone side effects: lightheadedness, fatigue, blah blah.
I kind of just don't care anymore. I don't feel deep regret or sadness over this. Honestly, I started to like how I look. But I also like how I look male sometimes. So it doesn't really matter. What really matters is that I do not feel like this anymore. I am so tired of it. I feel so like crap and exhausted every day, and I feel like I'm held together (propped up, more like) with alcohol and caffeine, excessive amounts, and I'm just so tired. I'm coming off HRT as we speak and I am running on no sleep and it is almost mid afternoon. And I am just going cold turkey.
I'm done trying to fit myself into a box. It's not working for me and it's causing me unnecessary stress. I have not felt like myself since I started HRT, or any time I have been on hormones.
I don't care what I am, anymore. I'm going to just wear t-shirts and grow a beard and be someone who blends in. It's not worth it. It's not worth all the stress, the management, the endless bickering and gatekeeping.... there is no "LGBT community"..... the very idea of a "community" makes me sick at this point, no matter what it is.....
So...... I am choosing to put all that life behind me at least for the most part. I aint tryna do all that. I'm me and that's what I am. I don't need a mf parade or people I don't know telling me who I can be. I'm better than all those people. :)
And...... it's time to really start thinking about what I wanna do for the rest of my life, and I'm leaning more and more towards computer science.... (as well as art.... I will major in art, 90% sure)
So...... My life is basically opening up and soon I will leave this all behind. Everyone who ever doubted me, made fun of me, laughed at me, interrupted me while speaking..... Gave me nasty looks.... yeah...... well I'm following my dreams buddy, so , looks like you'll all still be stuck in the same ol' sh*thole. :)
ANYWAY..... rant over..... Time to edit the other sections. Blegh.
Peace.
~ 3/8/25 (12:16 AM) - HRT, 12 days ~
Today I took my hormones about midnight... 4 mg Estradiol and 200 mg Spiro.... I waited all day to take them, wondering if I should or not.... I kept imagining myself as a woman compared to a man and being unhappy trying to force myself to be happy as a man. I decided, maybe, I create this new rule: I take my hormones at night and I get all day to consider whether I want to or not. I should see a therapist but I don't feel like putting my transition on hold to do so. So obviously that tells me something, right?
I'm worried about losing the function of my ____ (yeah) but really, I've never cared for it. It's like a source of pride I suppose, but really, it's not my first choice, whatsoever. The more I think about that, the less I really worry about it I suppose.
I just want to look pretty and wear cute clothes and feel sexy in them. I can try to fight against nature all I want, but.... I mean, technically I am "fighting against nature" by taking HRT in the first place, but truly I am fighting against nature the older I get and the more I masculinize. I am trying to compromise by saying I can do this and that to avoid being bound to HRT, the medical system - Maybe I can do workouts a b and c and I can eat right and get a flat stomach, a bellybutton piercing, nipple rings, etc, but I don't think I can be happy without all the physical changes associated with HRT. Breasts, thighs, all that. Either way I am fighting against nature. I guess I have to pick one.
