I have been talking to myself for over a month.

Scrolling back and back, looking at every single one of my posts. Is it because I delete it so often? And come back? People tell me "I tried to message you but it says you're unavailable". So they only message me when my socials are deactivated? That's .........

Nevermind.

I was thinking about something else I wanted to say here.

My "mission".

I want to create ART. I want to create without genres. Genres are so confining. Labels are confining.

This whole time I've been questioning my gender, years and years, I've been trying to put myself in a box. Box A, box B. Boy box, girl box, while simultaneously saying "fuck labels". But really, how can I say "fuck labels" if I am so glued to the concept that I must fit into one?

I don't know what my "gender is" but it seems like a bunch of madeup bullshit.

All I know is that I feel what seems like dysphoria and it makes me very unhappy and angry. Trying to suppress this HUGE part of myself feels like I'm trying so hard to be what I'm not. Which is kinda funny, considering the whole point of transitioning is to essentially be what I am currently not.

Eh....

I've been on hormones for 12 days (4 mg Estradiol, and just moved up to 200 mg Spironolactone after a week of 100 mg).

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like a fraud. But I look around at all the people judging me. Snickering, trying to win acceptance from their so-called "buddies", but their buddies would not accept them if they suddenly came to the realization that they are gay or trans.
I am fortunate to have real-life friends who have supported me through all my doubt and chaos. My extreme bouts of depression and mania.

I have schizoaffective disorder, which consists of schizophrenia and mood disorder symptoms. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am "bad off", but I once was. I was a mess and I don't know how anyone could manage to be around me at that time of my life.

I am proud to say that I've changed a lot. But I also am not proud to say that I have a lot of glaring flaws.

I can be selfish, and I think I'm better than most people. But, common people typically give me a reason to feel this way. So, I have to really slow down and say "hey, I'm gonna try not to view society as a whole and I'm going to try to be nicer today." But it's really hard for me to see people as individuals and not just a puzzle piece of whatever stereotype or group they belong to.

I did a lot of bad things to a lot of good people. Stuff that I really cannot forgive myself for.

But anyway...... Through it all, I've always wanted ONE THING -

I want to FEEL. I want to create things that make me FEEL so strongly that I break down into tears. That's all I want. I want to create things that are so beautiful that they are overwhelming to the point of tears.

I have been horrible about practicing. I haven't progressed as a musician "" in years because I only play by ear and I just can't find the motivation to pick up my guitar and read my instruction book.

I have tons of books. TONS, that I haven't read, and more that I haven't even started to read. I want to read them. I really do.

I have a serious video game addiction.

I've been playing every day of my life (98%) since I was a kid in the 90s, and it's a huge part of who I am, and it's led to an interest in programming and electronics. I wouldn't necessarily say it's a "Bad" thing but it's really hard to want to do anything else.

I am so intimidated by new things. It gives me HUGE anxiety to listen to new songs, to start something new, even a game I've never played before. My friends tell me that this happens to everyone and we just have to fight it.

Well, I have been listening to some new stuff on repeat. Twin Tribes, Second Still, She Past Away. I found a Black Metal band I like, Grausamkeit. Pretty wild stuff. I'm very particular about music.

Eh..... anyway. My whole point is,

I have things I need to work on and I'm wondering how much transitioning will contribute to having more motivation, once I'm not fighting every aspect of myself with 0% confidence.

I started school so I can learn. Because I don't know anything. People always tell me I'm so good at stuff. Drawing, guitar, singing. Truth is, I'm not. I have a natural talent for these things, but I haven't really cultivated my abilities to the point where I can truly create.

There are some song ideas that have been floating in my head for years. Stuff that I lost to hard drive failure but never forgot.

I found my band's old SoundCloud from when we were riding freight trains. I will respectfully obtain these files and upload them somehow with total respect for my friend. I will never attempt to make money from it.

I have to pee. BYE.

...... and im back. I decided to write more.

So, uh.... HOT topic.

Well. I'm just going to ask all of my white readers out there: How do YOU feel being inherently evil and racist? How do you feel, as a white person, that you could never hope to erase the eternal sin and the inherent racism that we are all collectively inherently born with, as the oppressors of the world????

Also, did you know that wanting a border around your country means that you're a "racist" and a "fascist"? Wow, you know, I think people really should start looking up the definitions for words before they use them.

How commonplace have these words become in today's America and thrown around so casually?

As a trans person I am in a unique position because I lean republican and I am NOT welcome in the trans "community". Any time I have ever needed support I have had to rely on my cis friends. I cannot go into any trans group and expect to be accepted because I actually like Trump. I think he's a strong leader and that's what America needs.

I think people want to do the right thing. I don't think all of these leftists are genuinely bad people, I think they really want to do the right thing and they say things like "no one is illegal on stolen land!!" but think about how far back we're going here by saying that, and what is their endgoal? Indigenous communism?

Society needs to have STRUCTURE, believe it or not. It seems like it's really hard for a lot of trans people to understand this, as well, which softens the blow a bit about not being welcome in my own community. But really, I'm not welcome in any community. I feel like I can't be a part of the Animal Crossing community because it's a cozy game! *I love cozy games* and because it's a cozy game that means you have to vote democrat and be accepting of the 3000 labels people choose to identify with. I cannot converse with conservatives about my gender identity or my transition because it's always "GOD made you the way you are and I think it's wrong to change that" like, it's SO impossible for a large percentage of them to accept that WE'RE NOT ALL CHRISTIANS and we don't have to conform to THEIR belief system.

I listen to Black Metal and I can't be a part of that community, either. BECAUSE, because because because I am "gay", and also, every band I've ever liked is "gay" and not nearly as cool as all the other bands that uhhhhh random internet man likes.

It just never ends. And that's my problem with social media.

In high school, we all had different lunch tables. The goths, the "rednecks", the "preps", whatever. Everyone sat with their friends because we all had enough in common that we could call each other friends and get along and feel comfortable with each other.

On Facebook, you don't have that. You have 1 group full of 100 thousand people from all walks of life, all belief systems, all varying opinions on crucial subjects like homosexuality and what-have-you. SO basically, you got one group full of every kind of person and they expect everyone to get along. What happens is everyone is so different from each other that everyone ends up fighting about every single thing they can think of. This is not healthy interaction. This is not productive. I don't want to take a screenshot or draw a picture and show it to a group of 100 thousand people. I want my lunch table.