Friday, July 25, 2025 . 5:42 AM
Last week of school b4 Final Exams ....
So ..... Here's a little story for ya!!
Basically, I decided to take summer classes (cybersecurity) because otherwise I'd be sitting on my @$$ or have to get a summer job at some rundown food joint or something . So, I ended up owing the school 77$ because they didn't give me any financial aid, except *almost* enough to cover my classes . So, I've been doing 2 CS classes for the summer with absolutely no money . Classes are almost over . I've already been accepted to the University of my choice . :)
So, I am finishing up these classes, and preparing for Uni~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!
At the end of my CS classes, they're teaching me basic coding concepts and it seriously blew my mind and sparked a huge interest in programming . I already *had* an interest, but actually learning about it (as an obligation) really .... like..... well, I was like, WHOAAA!!! "Everything fits together like a puzzle, and it's blowing my mind!!!"
I've been discovering a lot of new artists, both digital artists and music artists. I love pixel art / glitch art .
I've nearly dropped heavy music, completely . Well.... let me rephrase that . I've nearly dropped *black metal*, completely .
The truth is, I've never even been able to hear the music over all the hype and posturing and ego . I always thought I wanted friends who listen to BM, but I've never been able to join any kind of group and find anyone I wanted to talk to . All of this about "Satan, death, war, blood, goats" it's really dumb . I don't know why grown men are still yelling about "the devil" . I stopped believing in "the devil" at like age 13, so it seems pointless and makes no sense to me . I'm not saying all black metal is bad or anything . I just think there's a lot of generic sh*t with sh*t recording quality, and I'm not gonna force myself to try to like it and see what someone else sees in it . Personally, I think it's crap . I like good production and that's not a personality flaw on my part .
Lately, I've been discovering different genres like glitch music and uhhhhhh, idk what I would even call it, except "dark dance music" lol . I mean idk , I add so many bands to my spotify as soon as I hear them and I like them . I'm collecting new artists everywhere . I've heard people say spotify is bad for musicians, but honestly, I'm discovering a TON of new music, and if it weren't for these platforms, I prolly wouldn't have heard of any of them . I have no problem buying records or CDs, and in fact, that's a hobby of mine .
My mom basically kickstarted my vinyl collection by giving me a ton of old classical music and stuff . I don't *technically* know the correct names for the time periods, so I will call them "classical" . So there's a lot of the obvious stuff, but a lot I've never heard of, and this makes me happy . :) Thanks, mom .
So uhhhhh ...... Yeah, haven't been playing much games, lately . I'm more interested in way different stuff, now . I used to force myself to play Dragon Warrior 2 on NES over and over again and I started over on that and so many other games more times than I can even remember . Who even knows . I'm not forcing myself to like things, anymore . I'm embracing who I am , and what I actually like, and it feels good . :))))
So yeah..... IDK what else to put here . I don't edit this site very much at the moment, so I wanna make sure I get all the important stuff .
I decided to quit drinking, forever . I can't allow myself to drink . Forever sounds like a long time, but alcohol destroyed my Dad's health and his father as well, and I just have to make it stop with me . It's done nothing but cause problems for me throughout all the years I was consistently drinking, always asking myself if I had a problem , or not, and asking others to validate me . Eventually, I had to say "it is a problem for me, whether anyone else sees it or not . " I nearly destroyed my friendships so many times, and so many times I nearly made very huge mistakes by saying the wrong things . I just can't allow myself to drink at all , anymore . Anyone who wants to date me or be my friend needs to acknowledge and accept that, and I cannot lower my standards due to loneliness or anything like that . I have always felt crippling loneliness, my whole life . Some people treat this like a joke, and I believe a lot of women get off on it . It does affect my self esteem . But I know I will find someone great . I just have been in the wrong surroundings, expecting a miracle . It's the truth!!!
So yeah..... I'm looking forward to where life takes me next!!! :))))
Due to my schizoaffective disorder, I find it hard to relate to others and understand how people see me . This makes it hard to communicate, I guess . I feel very alone . Very much like an alien . But oh well .
Also, I have decided to come off of my risperdal . I have been taking half my prescribed dose for several weeks and tonight I am going to 1/3 . This medication has made me not myself for too long, and regulated my feelings of morality to the point of constant guilt for no reason .
Thanks for reading . :) ~Trevor (Drow) (or Sarah)
May 11, 2025 (15:39)
End of Semester 2... Summer Break
2 1/2 months on hormones and I have decided to stop altogether.... Too many side effects, too much worry. Very serious lethargy. Feeling lightheaded every time I stand up and walk around, which I read is a side effect of spiro.
So yeah..... 3 days supply left and not enough to ween. So I'm going cold turkey, looks like. A little worried, but.... I can't wait to have my beard back and just be myself. I will type more about this in "gender" section.
Other than that..... I started fooling around with Arduino as well as my old raspberry pi I've had sitting in my dresser drawer for months....
My goal for this summer is to learn to code enough to where I have a solid grasp before I attend University in the Fall.
I have been drinking way too much alcohol as well as coffee, constant caffeine and alcohol intake and I cannot sustain this lifestyle.
HRT has made me not be able to sleep and every night I am plagued with insomnia.... I hope it goes away after I detox from it. Which is basically what I'm doing.
But yeah.... I'll type about these things in the other sections. I'm feeling very tired but I wanted to update this site. I feel social media has run its course. OH YEAH..... and I'm running Linux, now. I love it, it's great.
Bye.
March 8, 2025 - 4:37 AM
Absolutely done with Facebook.
I have been talking to myself for over a month.
Scrolling back and back, looking at every single one of my posts. Is it because I delete it so often? And come back? People tell me "I tried to message you but it says you're unavailable". So they only message me when my socials are deactivated? That's .........
Nevermind.
I was thinking about something else I wanted to say here.
My "mission".
I want to create ART. I want to create without genres. Genres are so confining. Labels are confining.
This whole time I've been questioning my gender, years and years, I've been trying to put myself in a box. Box A, box B. Boy box, girl box, while simultaneously saying "fuck labels". But really, how can I say "fuck labels" if I am so glued to the concept that I must fit into one?
I don't know what my "gender is" but it seems like a bunch of madeup bullshit.
All I know is that I feel what seems like dysphoria and it makes me very unhappy and angry. Trying to suppress this HUGE part of myself feels like I'm trying so hard to be what I'm not. Which is kinda funny, considering the whole point of transitioning is to essentially be what I am currently not.
Eh....
I've been on hormones for 12 days (4 mg Estradiol, and just moved up to 200 mg Spironolactone after a week of 100 mg).
I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like a fraud. But I look around at all the people judging me. Snickering, trying to win acceptance from their so-called "buddies", but their buddies would not accept them if they suddenly came to the realization that they are gay or trans.
I am fortunate to have real-life friends who have supported me through all my doubt and chaos. My extreme bouts of depression and mania.
I have schizoaffective disorder, which consists of schizophrenia and mood disorder symptoms. I wouldn't necessarily say that I am "bad off", but I once was. I was a mess and I don't know how anyone could manage to be around me at that time of my life.
I am proud to say that I've changed a lot. But I also am not proud to say that I have a lot of glaring flaws.
I can be selfish, and I think I'm better than most people. But, common people typically give me a reason to feel this way. So, I have to really slow down and say "hey, I'm gonna try not to view society as a whole and I'm going to try to be nicer today." But it's really hard for me to see people as individuals and not just a puzzle piece of whatever stereotype or group they belong to.
I did a lot of bad things to a lot of good people. Stuff that I really cannot forgive myself for.
But anyway...... Through it all, I've always wanted ONE THING -
I want to FEEL. I want to create things that make me FEEL so strongly that I break down into tears. That's all I want. I want to create things that are so beautiful that they are overwhelming to the point of tears.
I have been horrible about practicing. I haven't progressed as a musician "" in years because I only play by ear and I just can't find the motivation to pick up my guitar and read my instruction book.
I have tons of books. TONS, that I haven't read, and more that I haven't even started to read. I want to read them. I really do.
I have a serious video game addiction.
I've been playing every day of my life (98%) since I was a kid in the 90s, and it's a huge part of who I am, and it's led to an interest in programming and electronics. I wouldn't necessarily say it's a "Bad" thing but it's really hard to want to do anything else.
I am so intimidated by new things. It gives me HUGE anxiety to listen to new songs, to start something new, even a game I've never played before. My friends tell me that this happens to everyone and we just have to fight it.
Well, I have been listening to some new stuff on repeat. Twin Tribes, Second Still, She Past Away. I found a Black Metal band I like, Grausamkeit. Pretty wild stuff. I'm very particular about music.
Eh..... anyway. My whole point is,
I have things I need to work on and I'm wondering how much transitioning will contribute to having more motivation, once I'm not fighting every aspect of myself with 0% confidence.
I started school so I can learn. Because I don't know anything. People always tell me I'm so good at stuff. Drawing, guitar, singing. Truth is, I'm not. I have a natural talent for these things, but I haven't really cultivated my abilities to the point where I can truly create.
There are some song ideas that have been floating in my head for years. Stuff that I lost to hard drive failure but never forgot.
I found my band's old SoundCloud from when we were riding freight trains. I will respectfully obtain these files and upload them somehow with total respect for my friend. I will never attempt to make money from it.
I have to pee. BYE.
...... and im back. I decided to write more.
So, uh.... HOT topic.
Well. I'm just going to ask all of my white readers out there: How do YOU feel being inherently evil and racist? How do you feel, as a white person, that you could never hope to erase the eternal sin and the inherent racism that we are all collectively inherently born with, as the oppressors of the world????
Also, did you know that wanting a border around your country means that you're a "racist" and a "fascist"? Wow, you know, I think people really should start looking up the definitions for words before they use them.
How commonplace have these words become in today's America and thrown around so casually?
As a trans person I am in a unique position because I lean republican and I am NOT welcome in the trans "community". Any time I have ever needed support I have had to rely on my cis friends. I cannot go into any trans group and expect to be accepted because I actually like Trump. I think he's a strong leader and that's what America needs.
I think people want to do the right thing. I don't think all of these leftists are genuinely bad people, I think they really want to do the right thing and they say things like "no one is illegal on stolen land!!" but think about how far back we're going here by saying that, and what is their endgoal? Indigenous communism?
Society needs to have STRUCTURE, believe it or not. It seems like it's really hard for a lot of trans people to understand this, as well, which softens the blow a bit about not being welcome in my own community. But really, I'm not welcome in any community. I feel like I can't be a part of the Animal Crossing community because it's a cozy game! *I love cozy games* and because it's a cozy game that means you have to vote democrat and be accepting of the 3000 labels people choose to identify with. I cannot converse with conservatives about my gender identity or my transition because it's always "GOD made you the way you are and I think it's wrong to change that" like, it's SO impossible for a large percentage of them to accept that WE'RE NOT ALL CHRISTIANS and we don't have to conform to THEIR belief system.
I listen to Black Metal and I can't be a part of that community, either. BECAUSE, because because because I am "gay", and also, every band I've ever liked is "gay" and not nearly as cool as all the other bands that uhhhhh random internet man likes.
It just never ends. And that's my problem with social media.
In high school, we all had different lunch tables. The goths, the "rednecks", the "preps", whatever. Everyone sat with their friends because we all had enough in common that we could call each other friends and get along and feel comfortable with each other.
On Facebook, you don't have that. You have 1 group full of 100 thousand people from all walks of life, all belief systems, all varying opinions on crucial subjects like homosexuality and what-have-you. SO basically, you got one group full of every kind of person and they expect everyone to get along. What happens is everyone is so different from each other that everyone ends up fighting about every single thing they can think of. This is not healthy interaction. This is not productive. I don't want to take a screenshot or draw a picture and show it to a group of 100 thousand people. I want my lunch table.